I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Randomize
