What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
