it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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