Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Randomize
