i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
