apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
