"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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