Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
