It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Randomize
