Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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