I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
