No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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