Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
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