Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
