if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
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