They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
someone owes me an orgasm
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
