really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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