If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
