You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
You brought string cheese to the strip club
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
