Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
