weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Help. Why am I so naked?
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