i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
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