ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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