I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
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