Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Randomize
