The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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