Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
