Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
