when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
MIDGETS
????
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
