the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
