i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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