i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
