you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
