hell yes lets make some ravioli
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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