I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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