I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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