just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
