I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
