I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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