i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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