i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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