Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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