you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
