i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
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