I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
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