How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Randomize
