I can text with my tongue
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
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