I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
