she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
