my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
She tied me up with her honor cords...
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
