would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
